Jokes for the Assignmenteds

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Who said that CD055-1 acts like monkeys.. They're just v._.v